Watching Through My Eyes

It's as if I'm watching the world inside a cage.
Through my own eyes, I sit front row
Yet I have no control and can feel nothing,
but I know the thoughts within my mind,
Evil crupt thoughts, run through my mind.
I know that I'm trapped, that I have to stop this
but it's hard to fight the desire,
the desire to just not care.
Sad, my heart is blocked from interacting with my thoughts.
Blocked from feeling what I know I feel.
Even though I can remember I love someone,
I also realize, in this state, I could very well just dispose of them,
as long as I remain like this I'd have no remorse,
no pain, nor pleasure, just something to do.
Once I wake up, I'd feel an ache but not understand it either, most likely.
What is this that I'm watching myself do?
I yell, that in the end this will hurt me,
trying to convince myself to stop.
She hears me but fights back telling me my efforts are futile,
as well as comforting me with words to not worry and that soon I'll forget.
What is it that I would forget?
I never remeber everything.
Bits and pieces of a broken puzzle.
At some point during my caged moments, I disapear.
Into blackness, I disapear,
or maybe I just wake up in it, blackness that is.
I remember some if I'm lucky and at other times its as if it never happened.
I'll just regain my body and not put a thought to it.
Perhaps I just fell asleep,
but that doesn't explain the ever so often tears,
and if not tears then the never failing headaches.
Its normal, ok, perfectly fine, just a sad dream.
Only lately have I realized it's much more,
Even dangerous as I continue to discover, remember, and see.
Before my own eyes, I know I've watched myself within a cage,
but yet it is hidden away, safe from my eyes.
Then I recall those words to not worry, I'll just forget.
What was it that I would forget?
In my heart, with my eyes, I watched myself forget.